Noble Friends

Admirable Friendship

I've been thinking about friendship—specifically, kalyana-mittata, spiritual or "admirable" friendship, as it's called in the sutras. I'm going to paraphrase a little, but in essence, a spiritual friend is one who is generous, discerning, and skillful. They say what is difficult to say, do what is difficult to do, and endure what is hard to endure—all for the sake of your friendship. They respect your confidence, and trust you to do the same. When misfortune hits, they don't abandon you, nor do they look down on you when you're out of luck. These seven qualities, says the Buddha, are present in one who's a good and wise friend, someone whose love and company is worth cultivating.

Throughout my life, I've been extremely lucky to have friends like these, women—especially, though not exclusively—who haven't minced words when I've needed to hear some hard truths, but who've also been unfailingly loving, encouraging, and kind. But reflecting on this, it occurs to me that perhaps the quality that I appreciate the most is the one about endurance.

To me, a truly good friend is able to endure, or at least tolerate, your discomfort or sadness or pain. I so appreciate when a friend says to me, "Oh, that must be so painful," or "I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time," as opposed to, "It's okay. You're going to be okay." In other words, someone who won't rush to comfort or reassure me, but who instead has the courage and strength to be with what is just as it is. That, I find, is the true comfort.

There is so much uncertainty in our world, that nurturing close and meaningful relationships feels more important than ever. Although in fact, this has always been true. When someone asked the Buddha about the necessary conditions for awakening, he answered: "Having admirable people as friends, companions, and colleagues. This is the first prerequisite for the development of the wings to self-awakening."

Like anything else, admirable friendships take energy, attention, and deep care to cultivate. But when I think of the many things we devote our time and resources to that in comparison offer so little in return, it seems to me that this kind of effort is well worth the investment we put in.

*Photo by Joshua Clay